Whether we know it or not, Jesus’s words in Matthew 18 may be ringing in our ears as we consider this question:
Then Peter approached him and asked, “Lord, how many times must I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? As many as seven times?” “I tell you, not as many as seven,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven” (Matt 18:21–22, CSB).
Problem solved, right? We always have to forgive.
Not quite.
In a similar exchange recorded in Luke, Jesus qualifies the forgiveness his followers must offer to those who repent:
“Be on your guard. If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and comes back to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him” (Luke 17:3–4).
Repentance appears to be a necessary condition for forgiveness. So, we’re off the hook for forgiving people if they’re unrepentant?
Again, not quite.
To forgive someone is to “remove the guilt as a result of wrongdoing,”[1] not out of a fear of confrontation or a willingness to sweep an infraction under the rug, but out of compassion. God’s people are to be the kinds of people eager to restore relationships with those who’ve wronged them.
Jesus illustrated this type of forgiveness in Matthew 18 with a parable about a king who forgave his servant’s debt. Just before the king punished the servant for his unpaid debt (vv. 24–25), the servant repented (v. 26), and the master “had compassion, released him, and forgave him the loan” (v. 27). The king and the servant were then on good terms.
However, the servant later demonstrated that his repentance was false. Immediately after being forgiven, the servant found someone who owed him a debt and threw him in prison (vv. 28–30). When the king found out, he threw his servant in jail to be tortured, with Jesus concluding, “So also my heavenly Father will do to you unless every one of you forgives his brother or sister from your heart” (v. 35).
By definition, forgiveness depends on genuine repentance.
Christians are called to emulate God by perpetually offering forgiveness to those who are unrepentant. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). God always has forgiveness on offer—and there is nothing we can do to make him remove that offer.
But for God’s forgiveness to “activate”—to become true about us and remove our guilt—we must repent. We must recognize our sin and turn to God. And while God wants everyone to repent and avoid eternal punishment, he doesn’t indiscriminately apply forgiveness to all people (2 Pet 3:9). People can reject God’s offer of forgiveness.
So, what does this dynamic between forgiveness and repentance mean for us?
While we’re not called to absolve someone of wrongdoing without their repentance, we are called to be the kinds of people who are eager and willing to forgive those who admit their sin against us.
For some of us, specific faces come to mind when we consider trying to forgive unrepentant people. We may not describe ourselves as “willing” and “eager” to forgive them, but that’s what Jesus calls us to do.
To use a familiar saying: How do we stay ready, so we don’t have to get ready? What does it look like to cultivate an attitude that is eager to offer forgiveness?
How often do you pray for the people who’ve wronged you? What thoughts about them most often come to mind? Praying for someone to repent so you can reconcile is difficult. It’s easy to pray for our enemies’ downfall, but genuinely praying for those who have wounded us requires intention and practice.
Set aside some time in your prayers and ask God to soften the hearts of specific people in your life who need to repent. And ask God to soften your heart toward them so you can persevere in praying for their repentance.
Sometimes it’s hard to imagine how a reconciling conversation with an offender might go. Their repentance seems so far-fetched that you haven’t even considered what you’d say if they came to you and asked for forgiveness.
Imagine what would happen if a text from “that person” popped up on your phone asking for forgiveness. What would you feel in that moment? Why? What would be the wise, Jesus-like response? Consider what your reaction says about you and spend time thinking about what you’ll say and do when forgiveness calls.
While we’re waiting for specific people to ask us for forgiveness, there may be times when those close to us repent, and we’re still hesitant to forgive. Whether it’s a pet peeve from a spouse, a friend’s consistent tardiness, or a child’s repeated mistake, people often ask us to forgive them. How do we typically respond?
Not only should we forgive when asked, but how we feel about forgiving them reveals a lot about our hearts. Like God, we should have “joy” when someone repents (Luke 15:7). As we joyfully forgive those in our lives who ask for it, perhaps our attitude toward those who don’t will change for the better.
So, is it okay not to forgive someone? Ultimately, no one is off the hook for forgiveness. However, Jesus calls us to something more than the cheap forgiveness that helps us “move on” or makes us feel better. He wants us to be genuinely invested in the good of others, even those who’ve hurt us.
If we want to be the kinds of people who are eager to forgive, we need to also be people who eagerly model the repentance we’re waiting for. As we work to repent when we hurt people, perhaps our attitudes will soften toward those who struggle to repent when they hurt us. The entire exchange is covered in grace, for us and for those we’re waiting to forgive.
[1] Johannes P. Louw and Eugene Albert Nida, “40.8 ἀφίημι´ἄφεσις, εωσ´ἀπολύω,” in Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament: Based on Semantic Domains, 2nd ed. (New York: United Bible Societies, 1996).
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